Whenever I tell people, mostly men but some women too that I do not want to get married, they often look at me as though I’ve developed two heads. They try the usual convincing and persuasion tactics, but once they realise I have no desire to change my views because of their opinions, they throw this next question at me as if to salvage hope of me still being a ‘decent woman’.

 “But how about kids? You want them, right?”

And initially I would say,  “I don’t know, maybe in the future”. Because the truth is I genuinely  wasn’t sure and it’s not something I’m ruling out entirely. 

This answer was by no means an ideal answer for them, but it pacified them a little, gave them small faith that I was not a wild wombman daring to live life away from their societal norms of how women should live, because of course if a woman doesn’t want to be married, she’s a lesser member of society- a spinster, but if she at least has kids then she’s redeemable and not completely lost.

Recently though I stopped saying “maybe.” I simply just say “No”. To the absolute  mortification of most people who ask. They usually follow up by asking me why and not that I owe anybody an explanation, but I answer very honestly: I love my life as is. I love my ability to get up and go. I love that I only have myself to worry about. Although carrying life inside you is such a special and magical experience, it also comes with a lot of complications and unpleasant symptoms that I have no desire to put my body through, and let’s not get started on labour. It’s something I’ve felt since I was a child. I’d always express my fear and people would tell me I’d get over it. I never did. Society and especially men love to demean women who do not have children either by choice or due to infertility and it often causes so much pain particularly for the latter because they end up feeling like they aren’t ‘woman enough’ and have failed in some way. Which is an absolute lie. Having children is not our sole purpose for living.

I was at a hairdresser’s  in Lagos one International Women’s  Day  and asked the manager what he was doing for his all-women staff for the day. He retorted “abeg there’s always a day for women, why isn’t there an international men’s day”, I told him that there was in fact an international men’s day. The nail tech doing my nails was a woman and even she said, “It’s true there are a lot of days for women”, I looked at her and said because women are oppressed and there really aren’t that much, we deserve a lot more. At which point the manager chimed in,

“Yes women are great, well some women are great not all women, like mothers are amazing they do such a good job of loving their children. A mother will gladly lay down her life for her child without thinking twice but a man will not it’s hard to find a father that would do the same’.

Everyone in the salon co-signed. His response was typical- the only women who deserved respect were mothers and that was because they were servers who would give up their lives. A woman didn’t deserve respect simply for existing as a human being, like they as men did. It had to be earned through service to others.

People often interpret my decision of not wanting children as me having a hatred or dislike  for children, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Just because I do not want to have kids of my own doesn’t mean I hate children. I absolutely love children and not in the “ I love children, but I see them as lesser human beings” way, that some parents and much of society, does. My love for children is not performative. I feel like I tap into the child frequency and balance very comfortably there. I am a very vocal advocate for children’s rights and have been for years, I am firmly in support of conscious parenting and do not believe in treating kids in a way that we wouldn’t treat ourselves. i.e.  physically beating them, berating them mentally, emotional manipulation, not allowing them to express their emotions and abuse of all forms. 

Most adults struggle to regulate their own emotions, but they expect children, who are essentially new on this earth and experiencing life for the first time, to be able to regulate theirs perfectly. And when they inevitably cannot, many adults resort to punishment in the form of  physical and/or emotional violence. If you as an adult cannot regulate your emotions, why do you expect a child to be able to regulate theirs? Why place that kind of pressure on a child who is only just learning how to navigate the world?

If I yelled and physically attacked you because you didn’t understand something or you made a mistake as an adult, it would be agreed by all that I was out of line, and it was unacceptable. If a husband does that to a wife, it is agreed by all that it is unacceptable. If a boss does it to an employee it is agreed that it is unacceptable. But if a parent does that to a child it’s okay? Most parents would be rightfully upset if another adult hit their child but because you are the parent you are no longer a grown adult that is attacking a helpless child, right? You have a free pass to hurt them. This defenceless child that cannot fight back. 

It makes my blood boil. 

As far as I’m concerned, I love children more than most people that have children. And that is because my belief in respecting all living things and treating them as I want to be treated is not performative. I truly believe it and live it. It’s not one rule for me and another rule for others. I hear a lot of parents say well I have to prepare them for how tough the outside world is as justification for their abusive behaviour towards their children.  How you can have a child and be harsh on them because you believe it prepares them for the outside world is beyond me. Yes, the world can be harsh but it’s your job as a parent to show them that it doesn’t have to be like that, it is your job to create a safe haven for them for as long as possible. A place where they are able to see and feel what unconditional beautiful respectful love looks like, so that when they go out into the world, they are able to take this into the real world instead of having them grow up to be the emotionally void angry adults we see in the world today. People often believe that if you parent your children consciously and intentionally it means that you’re not showing them how to defend and speak up for themselves in the real world.

On the contrary, conscious parenting allows kids to express their emotions and communicate effectively about things that they do not like without fear of attack. A characteristic that most bullies cower at, a trait that most abused kids do not possess because usually if they speak up, they are told to shut up and be quiet and they fear recourse for expressing their dislike because that is what they are used to at home. Parents are meant to be their children’s first friends instead they end up being their first bully. And these same people tell me that I’m selfish for not wanting children.

 It perplexes me.

What is selfish about a woman choosing not to have children? Why is having children seen as some sort of philanthropic selfless act? This is the mindset that makes most parents believe that children should be grateful to them for having them and looking after them. Why should they be grateful? You are the one that chose to have them, some of you even begged God for them and now you want to tell them that they owe you and should be grateful? There is nothing selfish about a woman not wanting kids just as there is nothing selfless about having kids. You choose to have kids because you want them, and if you don’t then don’t have them.

A woman’s sole purpose on this earth is not to procreate but society likes to push this notion of pronatalism as another vehicle of patriarchal oppression. When men say they don’t want children no one bats an eyelid, but women must want and have kids because most men have figured out that when a woman has kids, her life changes drastically. They are often the primary caregiver of this child. They go through the pains of pregnancy and labour and even post labour pains. They lose sleep and are exhausted physically and emotionally for the next 10 years at least. Their bodies often change, they no longer have the same social life they used to have, their careers are often disrupted, their earning potential is reduced to name a few.

Fathers on the other hand  do not have anywhere near the same life upheaval. Often life remains relatively the same for them. So it’s very easy for men to fix their mouths to say they want kids and believe that we,  their female incubators,  must provide them. They use reproductive coercion to trap and control women, as a way to make sure our lives slow down and change to suit them. Because once you have a child, your focus naturally shifts, your priorities change and often your own dreams have to pause. They use it to keep you tied to them, knowing that leaving becomes far more complicated once children are involved. Some men intentionally push for pregnancy because they want you less visible, less independent and less able to move freely.  These men resent women who are socially active, confident and living life on their own terms, and they believe motherhood will make a woman’s world smaller. Control becomes easier when you share a child with someone. Hence you often hear ‘no one will want you now you’ve had my kids’.

They harp on about how much they want children and try to blackmail women into having kids that they know they will have little to zero input in helping to raise. They know that society allows them to be absent even if they are present. The burden is not the same. I know so many women who are married or in a relationship who cannot leave their kids with their partners because they are incapable of looking after them alone, and when they do they say the man is “babysitting” or “helping”. It is truly a sickening trade-off.

I used to think maybe I would have kids simply to give them all the love I believe I didn’t get as a child, and it seemed innocent enough but when I looked deeper, I realised that in itself is not a good enough reason to have kids. Children are not science experiments to be had to fill a trauma void.

I hear people say they want kids because they want someone to love them unconditionally or I hear parents say they love their kids because they love them unconditionally and I find it so problematic. Your kids are not there to be your emotional caregivers. You saying that your  favourite thing about your kids or the reason you love them so much is because they love you unconditionally is problematic in my opinion. So what happens if they do something or start to behave in a way you don’t like. They question you or have a difference of opinions. Will you say that’s not unconditional? Will you stop loving them? Will you believe that they no longer love you? Children should be loved because they are brilliant whole human beings deserving of love, care, kindness and softness. Not just because of their ability to love you no matter what you do to them.

Women have a right to not want children. It does not make them selfish, the world population will not dwindle to zero. For every woman that chooses not to have children there are countless others who do want children. Women have a right to choose, and it certainly doesn’t require justification or debate. All choices should be respected. Stop forcing your ideals and lifestyle choices onto others. We don’t all have to live the same way.