I don’t want to sound like a broken record 

So even when I feel like I may combust Like I’m struggling to keep my head above water.   I keep it inside and choose to talk to myself only.  Because no one else can soothe me better than I can soothe myself. Because only I know where and how it hurts. Because only I truly have my best interests at heart.

They say talk to me I can help you. But they don’t mean it. What does talking to you really achieve? You cannot solve my problems. I talk to you and you view my pains, my vulnerability as weakness. Weakness that makes you look at me Like I am useless.
Like I am unworthy. Like I am less than. Like I am incapable. I know you feel triumphant at my pain, at my supposed weakness. The energy radiates off you. It makes you feel important. Here’s the so-called Starseed, failing.
Is this who people think is special?
Is this who people think is intelligent? It makes you feel better about yourself and your shortcomings.
You scoff inside whilst pretending to care on the outside. Offering meaningless words of comfort that do not come from the soul. Words that are discreetly laced with venom and disdain.
So why should I share my pain with you? Why should I share my trials with you? Why should I share my tribulations with you? 

I don’t want to sound like a broken record. 

They ask me, what’s wrong?  How do I tell them that the same thing that was wrong yesterday is the same thing that is wrong today? That I feel overwhelmed.
Like I’m swimming against the tide.
Like I’m drowning.
Like I’m suffocating.
Like I cannot breathe. And I don’t want to be here anymore. That I’m screaming for relief. Permanent relief. That I’m praying for resilience to get to the other side The other side that my spirit knows that I will Inevitably get to if I continue to move forward.
If I hang on just a little bit longer.
But how do I tell them that I no longer want to hang on.   That it is too much for me. That getting to that other side where things work out, no longer seems enticing to me.

I don’t want to sound like a broken record. 

This version of me is dying In order to make way for the new, I assume. But it is so painful.
It feels like life has defeated me.
Chewed me up and spat me out.
I thought I could make it work for me. That I could live life with zeal and enthusiasm. Navigating the waves with ease as I evolve. But the lows are crippling and I struggle to hang on.
I do not want to hang on. The world, I struggle to align with. It’s people, I barely resonate with. I do not fit in here.
I was not born to fit in here.
I was born to be
The change maker

The hellraiser

The trailblazer

The revolutionary
I was not born to follow the crowd I was born to pave my own way And heavy is the head that wears the crown

Friends are surface, if at all. Solitude I adore.
But loneliness overwhelms me.  Some days, I’m sure of my ability To reach equilibrium To reach balance To bask in peace. On other days, I struggle, I’m not so sure. And I beg for resilience I beg for strength I beg for the ability to keep going But sometimes it eludes me and all I want to do is sleep…without waking up just for a few months. Sleep until everything is well and then wake up. Or maybe don’t wake up. Because will everything ever truly be well?
Life is what life is. There’s always one battle or the other.
And I’m tired of being on the battlefield. The warrior in me is tired.
I just need relief. I just need rest.
Physical rest.
Mental rest. Away from the judgments. Away from the opinions. Away from the battle. I just need relief.  I just need rest.
So this version of me can die in peace and the new version can rise from her ashes like the Phoenix from the flames.

But I don’t want to sound like a broken record.