After a three-year hiatus, The Rantings of Tesolil is back. The website has had a little revamp, but the purpose remains the same.

---

Transactional.

They set the terms and conditions for the transaction, then get mad when we hold them to it. All of a sudden, it’s “transactional”.

You dangle a lifestyle in front of someone you want to date and say, “Look at me. Look at everything I have. Look at how I live. If you were mine, you could have this too.”

Those are terms and conditions.

You’ve already defined what the relationship looks like and what comes with it. So why is it suddenly a problem when the other person says, “Actually, yes, that’s something I value”? And even if you haven’t dangled a lifestyle in front of someone’s face, the moment a person tells you, “This is what I like. This is what I require from a romantic partner,” you suddenly feel triggered.

Why? 

People exchange their time, energy and presence for all sorts of things. Good energy, intellect, laughter, emotional maturity, respect, financial security, it’s all currency. So if someone says, “For my time and energy, I desire a partner who is generous with money and gifts,” why is that suddenly unacceptable?

I think the issue is this: most men place such a high value on money and material things and believe that women are undeserving. They struggle to see generosity towards women as an expression of affection. They can’t fathom that a woman is worthy of generosity simply because she exists; they believe she has to “earn” it. Giving a woman those things creates an unequal balance in their minds. They don’t want to give away their so-called power. Instead, they prefer to use it as leverage, as a way to maintain control over you, breadcrumbing every once in a blue moon and hoping that you’ll hang around with your hands out, waiting for more.

You claim the women you pursue only want you for your money. But that’s odd because you’re the one pursuing them, not the other way around.  And sir, if you believe they only want you for your money, why are you pursuing them at all?

You want to date women, but in the same breath you insist those women aren’t worth spending your money on.

If you genuinely believe they’re beneath you and not worth spending on and investing in, I ask again, sir, why are you pursuing them in the first place?

Why is your self-esteem so low?

That says far more about your own self-worth than it does about a woman who values generosity and gifts.

Let’s clarify two things. 

1. People are entitled to set conditions for who they date.

People place value on their time, expertise, labour, access and countless other things every single day. We all have standards and requirements for relationships. Some people require emotional intelligence. Some value ambition. Some value shared faith. Some require generosity and financial provision. Some require lavish treatment, some value cooking and cleaning, some require a certain level of education, some require submission, some require specific hygiene standards, a particular lifestyle, a certain personality type or even body type and looks. Relationships have always involved preferences, expectations and compatibility. So why is one set of requirements acceptable but another, specifically generosity towards women, viewed so negatively? When in any other setting generosity is hailed. 

“You get a car! You get a car! You get a car!” *

Remember that? Yet when a man gifts a woman he’s romantically interested in, somehow that same generosity shouldn’t apply to women. It no longer becomes a generous thing to do, it becomes a “stupid” thing to do. The man is dismissed as a ‘simp’, a term I’ve previously explored in more depth here.

Additionally, a woman accepting generosity and appreciating abundance becomes a problem. But why shouldn’t we feel happy receiving? Why are women expected to downplay their enjoyment of being cared for, as though gratitude and desire for generosity are somehow shameful?

2. Not everyone views relationships the same way and that’s okay.

Just because you believe there shouldn’t be a price attached to someone’s sexual energy doesn’t mean everyone else has to adopt your mindset. Some people want romance. Some prioritise emotional connection. Others feel most loved through gifts, generosity and acts of provision.

Generosity isn’t new. Gifting people you appreciate and honour is as old as time itself. Heck, the three wise men brought gifts to a baby lying in a manger. People buy gifts for friends, family, colleagues and even strangers without questioning their motives. When you gift someone, you intentionally do it to make them happy, and it also puts you in a positive light, right? And sometimes you do it for no reason other than it makes you feel good to do something nice for them. That is the whole point, right? 

Yet the moment a woman expects generosity from a man pursuing her romantically, she’s suddenly labelled “transactional” or accused of not “liking him, for him.”

Why?

Courtship has always involved effort, care and intentional acts of giving. That isn’t some modern invention.

When men speak of not gifting because they don’t want the relationship to be transactional, I find it ironic because they’re usually the most transactional ones. The relationship was transactional from the beginning, you simply wanted the transaction to happen on your terms.

“I want access to you, but I don’t want generosity to be one of your conditions.”

The moment a woman says, “Actually, I want to feel loved through generosity and being spoiled,” she’s told that her standards are unreasonable.

No.

People are comfortable with standards when they align with their own values, but they often judge standards they don’t personally share. So they will always try to shame you into abandoning your own standards in favour of theirs.  They’ll try to derail the topic with childish insults: “So you charge for it.” Be sharp. Don’t fall for it.

Figure out what makes you feel valued and stand in it unapologetically. The people who share your values and are on the same frequency will naturally gravitate towards you.

As for me?

I know my type, and my type knows me .

Physical attraction alone doesn’t cut it. I absolutely want to feel loved, appreciated, lavished, pampered and spoiled by the person I choose to share my time, energy and intimacy with.

And I make zero apologies for that. 

Who no like better tin. 

If that’s not your style, it doesn’t have to be. We simply aren’t compatible, and that is okay. There are over 8 billion people in the world. Instead of trying to force compatibility or shame people for having different standards, find your type, the people who are on the same wavelength as you, and have peace.

---

*A reference to Oprah Winfrey’s famous audience giveaway episode, where she surprised every audience member with a car.