A lot of us grew up without ever hearing the words “I love you” from our parents, and even in adulthood, we still never hear it from them.
Our parents don’t embrace us, don’t kiss us, and the hug we give once every couple of years is always awkward and stiff. Filled with no affection. I think we underestimate just how damaging this is for us and our ability to show and receive love.
How sad it is that we didn’t get to experience a start to life with love, and how our parents too didn’t experience a start—and or the majority of their lives—with love. How devoid of love you must be, to not be able to express the things that are typically used as indicators of love, freely to your children.
We end up with low self-esteem and morale, feeling unlovable and believing that love is hard to give, shouldn’t be given freely, and that love is hard to come by.
Because physical expressions of love at its highest frequency is foreign to us.
Hearing the words, feeling the actions, feeling its gentility, gives us an assurance and peace like no other. It really is like fuel for the body and soul in this world.
Our lack of love indicators growing up causes us to make love out to be this unattainable concept that can only be received when there are grand gestures—often after having gone through difficulty and hardship first, like is depicted in most movies. These movies become our only references for love.
No one ever explained to us that love can also be found in the little things, and that those little things are actually the most important things. That that kind of love is uplifting and what keeps the world afloat.
In my 30s, I realised that it was okay to say “I love you” without it meaning something grand. I would often have men and women who have never met me but followed me online tell me, “Tes, I love you.”
And at first, I would feel weird receiving that. I didn’t feel like they knew me well enough to love me, and I certainly did not feel like I loved them.
But then I realised that love isn’t always butterflies and an intense feeling within like we had been taught. People don’t have to know all of you to love you. They don’t even have to have ever met you in person.
Love is in the little things too. A smile, a kind word here, a helping hand there.
Being your authentic self is another highly magnetic expression of love.
When you express yourself authentically, you give off a light that is magnetic, a light that people can’t help but be drawn to.
My ability to wake up is an expression of love. Laughter is love. Nature is love. Working out is love. Resting is love. Reading is love. Literally almost everything we do is love.
It is not this unattainable feeling that is only reserved for the deserving. And the deserving often had to have performed through hoops before we felt like they were worthy of love.
If you watch a movie and it gets to you, you feel real sadness and you cry real tears. But if you watch a movie and fall in love with a character, you’re told it’s not real love because that’s not how love works.
I believe we have overcomplicated love when it truly is the simplest thing.
A few years ago, during one of my podcast episodes, Falz asked me if I’d ever been in love. I said well, when I was younger, I felt like I was in love, but now I realise that wasn’t love.
He replied: “Why? Why have you decided that it wasn’t love? Because it didn’t work out how you anticipated?”
It felt like a lightbulb moment for me.
After I’d left those relationships, I’d told myself that those experiences weren’t love because true love wasn’t supposed to cause pain, and I was unhealthily attached to these people. As true as this may be, it still doesn’t take away from the fact that at the time, I was experiencing what I believed to be love.
What was true love anyway? Is there such a thing as true love?
Love is love in all its forms. Of course there’s an ideal love that is kind, beautiful, peaceful, not possessive, not controlling, not self-deprecating.
But the truth is love is energy in motion, like everything else. You can experience it at any time, even in situations where you’re not being treated kindly.
The fact that you loved someone who wasn’t kind to you doesn’t nullify the love you felt.
You can ask yourself, “Why do I feel love for someone that treats me badly?” That is a fair question, and one that should be addressed in order to have more fulfilling experiences.
But you must understand that you are literally an embodiment of love. That people may take your love for granted doesn’t make it any less real.
I’m learning to be more receptive to the love that people show me. I’m learning to not reject it and accept even the smallest gestures of love.
Love doesn’t have to be an enigma.
That being said, there are qualities and characteristics a person needs to possess for me to feel safe enough to date them. These things are important for me to be able to have a happy relationship with another, and I realised that they are very different from what me in my 20s desired. Or maybe I’d always desired them deep down but just didn’t know how to communicate them.
I’ve had a few men ask me what it is I’m looking for in a man I would be willing to have a relationship with, and I noticed they are always taken aback by my response. It’s quite amusing for me. Because what were they expecting?
One told me, “T, I feel like I know what you want in a man. You’re not so difficult to please really. You want someone that is honest, respectful and financially stable, that’s it.”
I laughed because obviously he had to be financially stable—my energy radiates that—but also the fact that he truly believed that that was what it took, as if I was a 16-year-old girl. I looked at him and replied:
“Hmmm, yes, but really… I also need someone that is:”
- Self-aware
- Emotionally intelligent
- Genuinely kind
- A man that doesn’t just respect me, but respects women in general
- One that is not a chauvinist or misogynist
- Someone that respects my boundaries and has boundaries of his own
- Someone that has the ability to communicate his feelings and emotions
- Someone that lives an intentional life
Those are the things that I have come to find important as I have grown in this journey. Things that are often overlooked but so important when relating with people and determining the type of partner we want.
A lot of men aren’t really that intentional about what they want in a woman, and it’s often superficial nonsense and doormat-like qualities, so they expect that women are the same.
And sure, when I was younger, I had less experience and fewer expectations as to what it is I needed from a relationship. But the more experiences I had, the more I was able to decipher exactly what I desired, and also the right words to be able to communicate them to people.
These things that I listed above are my compatibility check. They are what makes a relationship truly enjoyable for me. Along with someone who fun, likes to enjoy themselves, is open-minded, has self-control, and is disciplined.
These are the characteristics I look for in friendships too, and I apply them to romantic relationships. It’s imperative that we are actually friends and not just lovers if we are going to be in a relationship. If you do not have these qualities, it will be an uphill struggle trying to come together.
These things I require are things that have been lacking in almost every relationship I’ve had in the past, and a lack of these things caused much pain and stress. These are qualities that I intentionally offer in my relationships and whoever i’m dating enjoys from me, so I need reciprocation in order to feel happy within the relationship. I create a safe space to exist within relationships, so I refuse to allow anyone’s inability to relate and interact with love and respect to bring me turmoil. It is simply not enough to be honest, respectful, and rich.
I’ve heard men and women describe arguing and fighting as normal in a relationship. They’ll say, “Not weekly, but every few months is normal.”
I disagree.
We can have differences of opinion and disagreements without them descending into full chaos, arguing, and fighting. That is not normal or healthy.
Communicating with each other in ways that isn’t harmful is quite literally the bare minimum. There will be no cussing, there will be no raised voices, there will be no name-calling. We should be able to communicate with love and respect even when we disagree.
My spirit says yes to stress-free, soft, luxurious, intentional, loving relationships.
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